Old posts

September 1, 2010

These are old posts from another era. Left over from a war between myself and myself. Read with seasoning.

— Haven

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Games

October 24, 2008

Remember those computer games where in maps in worlds you would go off the edge of the map and appear on the other side?

Well I imagine the universe to be just like that.

To say, what is here is not perceivably infinite. For using the which is the perception of a loop we only see a loop.

We are infinite and only live in as vast an existence as we so choose to do.

Remove your limitations, stop the mind.

And then of course we have us. We are here, to extend awareness in the shape of a loop in the resistance of time to be traversed over many years is the same as being the expression of a single point one and equal to itself, not respective of the resistance but aware it is a possible manifestation and direction to or not to do something, knowing.

But doing? for what?. Not doing? for what?

So the existence as one, must be reborn. As one and equal to itself.

So we have:

Masculine ][ Feminine

Physical   ][ Expression

Created in the image and likeness,

=

Systems as the Physical

Mind as the Expression

—————————————–

We become the part of our minds that is the expression to self realise the systems to manifest as the physical.

The systems are manifest as the physical body due to our allowances of accepting expression as the mind.

Self dishonesty is to become completely that which has an end.
We know the systems and the mind has an end because when we self realise particular transcendence points, they disappear and no longer exist.

What is left is pure expression.

What is resistance as charge between birth and death is not real. For as long as we stand one with and equal to inexistence (that which ends) we have an end.

The masculine and the feminine as one.
The physical and the expression.

Part of the expression was used to create the systems to enslave the physical.

When we bring all to our eyes, HERE, as undeniably physical evidence that our mind does not exist, we stand one and equal to it and it disappears.

So WRITE DAMMIT!

When we join the physical as systems to the mind as expression, they cancel themselves out. When a point is realised.. the mind memory and the system counterpart changes into and as the expression of us in and as the human physical body.

When we put the two pieces of the puzzle together, they erase like they were a hallucination. System and mind.

Why do we die when we sleep?

Because no longer is our expression based on conscious awareness but on the systems we gave power to during our ‘awake’ state.

The system and the mind amalgamate as one and we are the experience of nothing.

Spoken words have a signature that changes existence.

Existence as we know it is in a mind, in a body.

Self forgiveness when spoken, directly communicates with our unconscious, to reach a similar sound vibration we have stored earlier, though this time not to compound and manifest in the body, but to release.

Releasing constructs we have placed from childhood to now. These constructs as definitions manifest in the unconscious mind in and as the human physical body.

When we are born we are life and when we die we are life. Anything we accumulate while ‘living’ is resistance to life. Definitions or pathways are placed as solid belief systems. We know these resistances to our life essence as systems.

When there is a purpose for something that is not from the starting point of life/death, it does not start from our eternal life essence, therefore it does not end in our eternal life essence. So these systems as definitions drain us of our life as eternity.

Thus by the spoken word in self forgiveness, I release constructs in my physical body (my unconscious mind); and thereby clearing these definitions that deviate our life essence into inexistence.

Distraction from the conscious mind while speaking the words reduces their power. We need to take back power of creation and uncreation by the spoken word.

Regain our self trust, as the sole operator of this organism called the human physical body.

Thereby we assist ourselves to be one and equal with life. Thereby we assist all in creation. For who can we help but ourselves?

What then is between.. the spoken word and my human physical body?

My interpretation of the words as I speak them.

– judging the way I speak

–tone

–voice quality

–what I sound like today

–how it feels when I speak, the vibration in my throat

the emotion I feel at the time

the theme I might be talking about

disbelief I am affected by my own words

disbelief my words have power to create and uncreate directly

disbelief in myself as self trust

inability to apply something I don’t comprehend

self forgiveness being penance

–applying self forgiveness for unnecessary things and not the core issues

— judging my self forgiveness as incorrect but doing it anyway

Applying self forgiveness.

Link: HERE

http://desteni.co.za/forum/viewtopic.php?t=7691&highlight=

Stability

October 15, 2008

My last post gave was quite erratic.

I have been in the dumps a bit and half asleep sporadically throughout the last few days.

I am finding some stability now. I have pushed myself too far in the wrong direction again and again. The right direction with a brickwall between me and my goal.. so to speak.

I’m learning the innards of my conscious mind and not taking all it says so seriously anymore.

back to reading.

BIGLE BINDIE BOON

October 13, 2008

I have a few things running through my head, I have not addressed and pinned down.

Option 1: Runaway into the bush, to which you may survive, you may reemerge and you may be crowned a victor of the wild.
Option 2: Become your musical dream, now with less tassles holding you back, you can and will do what is necessary. Be the John of the physical, heralding the end of definition, while living one in grovelling despair.
Option 3: Continue your plans to go to SA and be, what you are required to be there, expect the unexpected, hoping for a red pill to take me down the tunnel of my regret.
Option 4: Grovel in my despair and end up taking my life.

Option 0: This isn’t really an option as the above are just timeloops I can live out before I get back to option zero, though to live out the timeloops I have to be willing to make them my definition for a time and thereby I am trapped in time and I have ‘purpose’ for a time.

Option 5: Write about this on OF and feed my ego by doing so.

SF:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think there are any options, but rather that the eventual cause of me is for me to face myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse that experience through timeloops will force me to face myself in many ways, as an excuse to do the time loops.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do self forgiveness because I have now labelled it the right thing to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suddenly want to write as soon as I hear some semi-familiar music which brings up old memories and old manifestations of the past.

All these options, which is easier? Build a foundation on that which has fallen, building on a semi crippled building and then labelling it my self definition and it is GOOD because it is DIFFERENT because different is the flavour of the month and thereby I can be heralded as some original thinker because it is different.

I have the nagging of my mother telling me I should apply more self forgiveness, what do I want and what do I want it to mean..

I didn’t want to exist in the first place so why am I now forcing myself to experience?

All of a sudden, I want to do this, or I want to do that, but unless it is universal application, it is worthless. Unless I mean it with my whole heart – all minds.

I can be this turn of the wheel or that turn of the wheel but if I only apply when I have dips…. you see that is when I apply in extremism because I force myself through the application and the spiral is ridden further down than usual, instead of hopping up a level to the equivalent greater swirl to avoid becoming nothing.

Some will understand, some will not. To avoid contact with people on some days is the best way to hide your volatile nature or to put on a veil that you can come across as, ‘he’s really nice’, all the time.

Either way, it does not matter whether they hate you or they love you.

So what then? Either way I experience… but there is no holding back…. There is nothing particularly drastic you can resort to at the end as a last resort because the worst and the easiest of the end is right HERE all the time, there is no running away… circumstances may change and you can get used to any circumstances if you let yourself… no matter how dire, you still operate under a certain amount of kinetic muscle to movement to eat, to live…

And if you die? You just re amalgamate and as re amalgamation you go through in one moment, your entire experience as you have allowed and you face yourself…. you face the resistances in one moment because the charge that you have acquired through this time must get out and quickly, so it must go through the path you have designated.

You see, the hope is that there is something that we are working towards that will stop death, that will give us the option of not having to go back. It may be Jesus. It may be a quiet discernment of reality with a calm confidence that, ‘I know what’s going on around me’.

How will we deal with ourselves? and while living?

‘Fall on us, mountains, fall on us.’

NO! You must live out your existence ALIVE!

This endless tunnel of regret, you must LIVE it!!

It goes against every grain and every muscle to look at these things….

The momentum of reality is coming to a stand still and will start going backwards..

I was in a choir in primary school. A christian one. We sung. I did the slides. I sung alto.

There was a stage where we all wanted to leave because all the guys that couldn’t sing were doing ‘fun’ things. The teacher said, ok this is fine, but she turned her back and let whoever wanted to leave, leave. I led the way.

I had such good memories of camp. Every year at the same place. It was a gathering of SDAs in a camp ground they owned in Perth. The smell of the grass and the pine trees. The tents. The big tent. I sung in the big tent.

All these memories were nought when I wasn’t in the groups of friends anymore and I went to a different school.

Handball at the toilet blocks. There was perfectly set up large blocks of concrete with a wall divided by a meter space where the path was. We played this with everyone. It was so much fun.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to star signs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think it is ‘cool’ that star signs are sometimes accurate.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realise that if star signs are accurate we really are in a preprogrammed world.

Demon Child

October 3, 2008

I remember when I was 14. I just changed schools to a different christian school due to bullying and such in the first.

I took particular pride in calling myself Satan or the devil. It made me feel powerful. I had an obsession with drawing graffiti type words of DIE or PAIN.

I remember that teacher was quite dogmatic because whenever I had something that contradicted with my parents religion they would find something for me to read that would ‘prove me wrong’.

I thought it was a bit stupid. Why can’t you just tell me here why I am wrong? I didn’t follow the religion but I was forced to go to church every week. Of which punishment was ensue if I did not. Even at that age I was still smacked around my Dad. I still didn’t stand up to my Dad.

So I used the superioristic Seventh Day Adventist religion beliefs and values to combat the down toned christian faith that they following (I did see their religion as inferior). Funny I didn’t question the religions I just used one against the other, because I am right and if I can’t prove myself right it is because I am not expressing it correctly or in the right manner to the person to understand.

The problem… Seeing the beginning, being told the end from a trusted source… not doing the thinking in between.. making the sex short and sweet.

Sex of thought of course.

You see the thinking in between is not necessary, nor is the argument, nor is the anger, nor is the need for an answer from beginning to end. Curiousity and a mind that loved to play with its limits at school.

They still used the cain at school for a punishment.

It was a slap of the hands with the cain by the prime minister (lol) I mean, principle. I thought this was an outrage when I heard of it.

The cain. Cain and Abel. Punish the mind for being the mind.

What useless things they did to us in an effort to transform us into elite conformists.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at my teacher in year nine because he was a fuckwit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a fuckwit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself  to be angry at my teacher in year nine for not standing up for himself as what he believed for himself, instead of resorting to finding an answer outside of himself, from his church to give to me later.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be reliant on what I believe and people involved with my belief systems to give another my opinion on a subject.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be reliant on knowledge to give an opinion, instead of just expressing me here, and if that is no answer then no answer will be given.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to reaise that I will have to face myself eventually no matter how long I put it off.

I am facing self.

The next year at the same school in year 10 I told someone I wasn’t afraid of death, in honesty. I said it and then I questioned myself and I was honest when I said it. This spread a bit and some big martial arts expert from the next year, paul, confronted me with his friend Jeffery… saying like, ‘you think you are cool saying you aren’t afraid of death… we’ll beat you up.. paul will beat you up.” I stood up to them and didn’t cower but inside I was intimidated.

Of course the beating never came and life went on as per usual.

I realise my school life is much the same to any constriction i am required to be under, like work for example. I HATED the confinement of the classroom. I found little interest in any school subject.. maths I liked but I slowly dribbled off with the rebellious crowd at the back of the room, speaking and making smart comments.

I was so rude to that teacher we had for year ten.. I made so many comments and never got locked up. This same teacher once told me that if I died right now I’d go to hell.

Another teacher, the maths one (Mr merylls?), walked in while I was making a rude comment to my teacher and he told me I was rude and that was disrespectful.. my manipulation on the teacher was successful, I didn’t think it that then but now I realise I cooked this teacher with slow manipulation to the point of being able to be a fuckwit in class.

This class was labelled the most rebellious class.

Leaders were said to come out of this class by those that prayed.

I automatically dismissed me as being in that lime light.

That the devil was working hard in our class.

This was all the year of 1986 when the MCS was upgraded. Most of us were of the year 1986.

I am the devil.. I hid (or faced) my fear of the devil by calling myself the devil.

Sounds like Anu, he hid (or faced) his fear of the physical by calling himself God (the physical).

Are we all just a lesson to Anu?

Am I Jesus?

lol

I did my testimonial at that school when I ‘came to god’ the next year. I finished after year 10, it was all that was required of me.. NO MORE. I went on a rebellion surge and went to a health retreat run by my parents religion people and started to live my words that I thought were me.

I have been conditioned from the beginning. Beaten to think I will be punished for my wrongs even the menial things, just because the person is angry. forced to go to church every week.

If I was raised a buddhist I would have been a buddhist.

But I wasn’t. So this ‘I’ of me, existence I live now, is no accident. I don’t know any other outside of me. I don’t even know myself sometimes. I don’t expect some of my reactions I give or have given.

Thinking back on those school years makes me feel uneasy.

I write things out as they come up but I have to be temperate and patient with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress these school years at thornlie christian college that when I look back on them now, I feel uneasy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise how much my past affects me now, how I have been trapped by myself in time with memories and belief systems.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to thinkof what another would think of me right now and use that perspective to judge my situation,

when, I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realise that whatever scenario I create in my head to judge myself by it is still myself generated by me, enslaving me to the perception of another’s point of view thus keeping me, tied down to my fears of others.

Who is HERE?

ME. Only me. There is no other person giving their perspective of me inside my head.

Only I create this.

I am the fear.
I am the self torment.

You have eyes in the back of your face.

And a need to bestow.

Ok.

Past desires.

I want to be the catalyst.

I want it to be over with.

Now.

I want to be powerful

I want it to last forever.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be the catalyst.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that being a catalyst would make me powerful.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire a purpose that is above all other’s purposes, thereby being the catalyst for change but not necessarily existing forever, just a significant part of creation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to settle for anything less than HERE.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realise that by defining myself as the catalyst I become a definition and thus i am less than who I really am, which does not exist infinitely.

If not infinite, then not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do self forgiveness and process from the starting point of living infinitely.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do self forgiveness and process from the starting point of wanting to be a catalyst.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do self forgiveness and process from the starting point of wanting to be powerful.

I don’t want.

I already am

I have been, will be, and am.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realise that from the very starting point of wanting to be powerful I will never be powerful.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be powerful from the starting point of being over others.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realise that the only power I would be over is myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to realise that the polarity opposite of confident powerful is doubt of self.

I want something different then.

A drastic change in something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on drastic changes to do process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want something different than what I experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I have devious desires and that I might be punished if people knew what I really wanted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be participating in a knowledge based, time trapped experience where I am lost.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realise that I cannot lose myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on polarity jumps to get me ‘in line’.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realise that playing the polarity game drains me of my life essence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel I need to always be at defense to the mind.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realise that I am one and equal to my mind and all its constructs and I feel inferior because of what I have created and let control me as who I really am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look down at my abdomen and feel sexual attraction to the picture of myself that I see as my abdomen, with abs, slender build, pubic hair, belly button, sexy undies and a mole.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define these undies, davenport, as sexy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am more sexually attractive when I wear sexy undies.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be sexually attracted to the picture of my undies on me and the way they wrap around my pelvic region.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realise that by being sexually attracted to the picture of myself I am  in seperation of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pride myself in my big hands.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach attributes to having big hands such as: big cock, smart, intelligent, useful.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as having old hands.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my hands as having an old soul with old hands.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place value on my hands that I have participated in the ego of the mind thinking of how special and precious my hands are.

Ok. stop for now.

The Mirror

October 1, 2008

I sit here in my chair. Looking at a shard of mirror and my reflection in it. I am confused. How can I see myself to tell myself that I exist? I move beyond the bounds of the edges of the mirror and I realise that the picture only exists in the limitations of the mirror.

When we look without our eyes or our minds, we look past the picture that we see in front of our eyes. The picture has limitations. We created the limitations the picture has. We have defined the limitations and by defining them, become less than them. We have become subjects of the picture, not realising that we first created it and we are indeed aware of everything we have accepted and allowed.

This is where unearthing suppressions as you live your life comes in. Different ways you have defined your life that you are unaware of.

Different ways you have programmed yourself and limited your perception according to the picture.

By defining, we become less than our creation and by being less than we don’t exist, because what exists is one and equal with all.

So, the mind, the filter, the interpretation, the definitions we see through are our own accepted and allowed expressions that we have placed as greater than ourselves.

Only the mind can create polarity. The physical, was convinced there was more by resistance and seperation to itself. When we participate in the picture we are subject to the rules of polarity, when we go under, soon we will go over, and then we will go under.

In so many different ways, through different emotions, thoughts, beliefs, like sine waves at different rates collaborating together to create an intricate resistance to what is. Thus by resisting we forget what  we started as because the start was never resistance. Seeing as we are lost in resistance, we think we have no choice but to resist.

Subject to our own reflection. You will do this, this and this.