Yelling

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel insecure when I hear yelling.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel angry when I hear yelling.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that if I don’t do what the yelling person says I will get hurt.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think that I can be hurt from yelling.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my anger as a reaction to yelling.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be sad when i saw mum and dad yelling at each other.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my security when I saw mum and dad yelling at me.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to listen to myself when I feel major discomfort and insecurity when even my mum has yelled at me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of my mum.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put trust in my mum.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to love my mum as I have defined it, as I have accepted and allowed me to be taught and programmed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my father yelling at me.

My father was a yeller. He yelled at everything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that fear is security.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I cannot live without fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear footsteps on the floorboards.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that someone is coming to punish me when I hear footsteps.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest a fast beating heart when I hear footsteps nearby on the foundations of the house I am in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be annoyed at myself that I react in this way towards footsteps.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty for doing things, like being in a room I’m not meant to be, playing computer games so when I hear footsteps I fear what could happen and I quickly get out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I was doing something wrong that I should have been punished for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at me for doing things that I define as wrong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that my children cannot touch the things that I own because they could break them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to trust my children.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realise that distrust in my children is distrust in myself.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to know myself, and thereby know my children, live them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at my father for not being like other dads.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be inept of compassion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be inept of intimacy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am incompetent and thereby take my anger out on my children and wife.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my father for what he was and what he did to me.

I forgive myself taht I have accepted and allowed myself to adapt my home relationship with my family then to my living now that I create trauma, victimism, relationships with confidence.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to listen to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take self forgiveness to the extreme that I must write things down I cannot type them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have obligation and use guilt on myself to change the way I act.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realise that I don’t need to use guilt manipulation on myself to act.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to control myself with the remote control of guilt.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realise that this is the mirror of guilt manipulation I have used on others and that mum has used on me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept the existence of guilt as normal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take guilt on as a personal truth because it is my conscience speaking to me from god that I have sinned.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to see through the conscience and to see through guilt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be controlled by guilt from god.

Morality and Honesty

Morality was taught

Honesty was taught

This is not self honest.
I do not learn how to be.

I am.

What is moral?

Do not steal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I should not steal, lest I face consequences that I know are coming to me because I know that I have done something bad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that stealing is bad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to steal, justifying, there is no such as wrong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore my impulses and realise what they are, when they are and apply accordingly.

Do not kill.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that killing is wrong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I can excuse myself to kill by justifying that polarity is ‘wrong’.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realise that my resistance to them that kill causes killing.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to see through the world’s form of honesty and morality to make my own decision as to what is self honest and what is self dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do self forgiveness just because it makes me feel better, just because I have no where else to go.

I do for me, what I do.

As self as all as one and equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as parroting words from another.

Do not lie.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that lieing is bad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I can do anything against my morals because I can justify that all is the same.

Resistance = resistance.

What is put in, you get back.

I judge myself. The world judges me, I judge the world as judging me and I judge myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the world, the mirror of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive another judging me, thereby judging myself, my perception of them and then finding another reason to judge the world, myself.

What a mind fuck.

Accumulated knowledge as judgements.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up in despair.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realise that only the mind can give up.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realise that by giving up, my reality gives up on me and things start imploding.

Sense? Where is the sense?

Where is the sense in this?

Common sense. As understood by the physical.

The dog is lying on my lap. He is dreaming. I wonder if my experiences are being had my him as assistance. He throbs and makes muffled barks. Chewing noises inside his mouth. His eyelids flicker.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I have gone too far to get out now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to write self forgivenesses with expectation someone will read them.

I am starting to understand better.
Even in my dips. I am here.

It is not for desteni. It is not for Bernard. It is for me. My mind hits me hard when I start doing it for something else, denying I am not doing it from the starting point of myself in self honesty. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see my mind as hitting me hard, as a teacher with a stick.

I’m creating things now. Searching/creating.

Going to leave it there for the moment.

Anger

Anger through breathing.

Application. Obsessive compulsive breathing.

Anger

The orgasm of breath to release the greater cycle/orgasm of anger.

Death has all the answers

We all come to the same place and we all go back to the same place.

Where is the seperation? Life.

Then in living as we have defined it, focus is to be attented. The seperation from ourselves. Living as our perception.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as, I don’t want to be like the rest of humanity.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to realise that humanity is me, is the mirror reflection of what I have accepted and allowed in and as me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I need to use tactics to rid myself from the mind, whereas tactics are the mind.

Practical, simple, straight forward, common sense.

Let’s go, hey ho

I find myself, I have suppressed my feminine side and used in in expression as music or writing instead.  I have a blockage in my hips (I can’t touch my toes) and my calves to go along. I have expressed this manifestation in the form of becoming left handed. I am learning to write with my right hand as well now to ‘balance’ out my expression and aid in becoming the same person, not dependant on personalities to operate.

The question is, am I addicted to personalities? I’m going to use a couple every now and then regardless to, ‘get my own way’ in certain situations. Why do I think I need to use them? I don’t. I can see the outcome without using it and I can see the possible circumstances that arouse from it. Something to entertain this demon.

Do I enjoy my own self labelling?

Another game of the values game… what values do we declare as common sense and what values do we dispose of?

They are all systems.

Like in the matrix. We rely on the robots to live but we as creators we are in no place to discriminate our creation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to see through the belief system, not to see through its time loop efforts, keeping me looping in a circle until Jesus comes…. which will be when?

What am I trusting when I trust my thoughts?

Where am I when I trust my thoughts? What I have been taught? A magnamous display of unending, creation of perfect, holeless/flawless loops.

The design is perfect. I made perfection. I corrupted perfection. I perceived that perfection could be corrupted. I feared the corruption that I perceived to put on the perfection. I created ‘corrupted perfection’/corruption.  I created a loop within a loop that accumulates itself, never at the same point but always remembering its difference.

The difference of creation to corruption to destruction.

Same loop throughout. Just different definitions.

Compounding of regret. Energy creation, energy dependence, money and time, life as we know it in a state of perceived living.

I’ve been concentrating on moving my hips go when I walk. To de-suppress my expression as this being in a feminine manner as well as the masculine I have gone to through insecurity of thinking this is what I am therefore I must be it; this is how I look so I must be the definitions of others that I see and they say I should be of how I look in accordance to how we as ‘common understanding’ collaborate, in a ‘productive’ society.

Look at me. I am productive.  Haha

Ok. Time to peer into the matter at hand.

Masturbation suppression.

God cycle comes up regularly.

I lose myself in thoughts I need to be doing this because this is the only other ‘true option’ I have of which there is the possibility that it does not end in nothingness and therefore I strive to grab it.

Why? Because I have believed what I have been taught.

Believing is a copout to being. Take out the lieing, take out the vieing, take out the ignorant self in listless fellowship of your chosen system, take out the justification. I don’t believe. I am not ‘believe’. I am not a belief. I do not define myself as a belief.

I don’t stand as a belief.

I stand as all as one as equal.

I am here.

I am . I be.

I beam.

I ambiance, collective, all intuitive, life, that surrounds, teaches, submits regularly at differect intervals throughout the day.

I radiate my being. Not by sharing my BEliesvieingjustifying but by being. I be. I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in myself instead of being myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base my being on what I believe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I need something to believe in to justify to others, as they believe in something, to show them who I am, to define myself as.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by my accepted and allowed beliefs and not according to who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up digging my thoughts, and then have obligation to follow up, and then push myself to follow up and then lose myself in created problems in the moment instead of dealing with what is HERE as I have accepted and allowed.

I am self confident. I am self trust.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think that I need to justify my use of the word self confident by saying ‘I am self trust’.

Self confidence has been wrapped up in ego in the past, self trust has been wrapped up in ego in the past, I confused my ego with my self trust and therefore became chaos. Trying to avoid my self confidence/self trust because I thought it was ego.

It was ego then. I didn’t have the correct programming to know the difference. So I avoided it completely.

An old boyfriend asked me once about my ego and I denied I had one with no reaction in me whatsoever. Then according to their reaction I questioned my ill reaction.

I am opening up. I realise I must experience me as an open flower to see where I have ‘gone wrong’ in the past, as opposed to stripping myself of all of my self definedness and regretting I stripped myself of what had the possibility to help me but rather suppress it because I fear who I am in it.

Some time is needed for me to churn over the thoughts of … wait. no time. just do.

I’m sick of this belief system taking me for a ride. I am sick of riding this belief system. I can look back on past experiences in the same circumstance and see the end of it here already. Because I as I belie myself to be is repeating constantly over and churning and flipping and raising and lowering in energy, emotions, thought feeding it or suppressions causing an uprisal of the ‘biggest issues’ I have not dealt with.

My view of God and religion and ‘personal relationship with Jesus’ is directly related to my suppression in self expression of my addiction to my sexual habit of masturbation.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the mind in areas of guilt and justification and ‘doing something bad for a long time’, compounded regret of ‘not being what I believe myself to be’, which has caused my attachment to the knowledge of the views of the bible and EG White on sex and masturbation to hinder my self realisation in self expression, unknowing completely what I am doing, what is happening to me and covering up the ill definition with guilt and shame, then depression towards suppression which comes out in music and writing.

Paragraph sentences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get bored in my head, where I think, what do I do then? If I can’t to anything.

What do I do in my head, if I can’t do anything in my head?

I realise that there is nothing happening in the head, that my head wanting something to do is just my addiction of thought popping up as a wheel, turning and activating different systems, beliefs, definitions and thought structures. Creating, recreating. Time, energy, purpose.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am in self denial. I am here. I am the one who speaks. I am the one who writes. I am the creator. I am the creator. I am the self torturer. I am the masochist and the sadist. I cause affliction. I create polarity. I am my own demise. I am my own freedom if I so perceive me to be…… but through all of this, in and as, all of this. I am HERE

Laws of relativity. Justification for existence in polarity.

What creates polarity? The mind. No matter how seperate something seems as polar opposites, it is us that perceives it as opposite or seperate, it was us that created this opposite seperate reality to live in, to ‘enjoy’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at people on the forum for making judgements on people’s definitions of life when by making a judgement they define their life in every way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to realise that I am perceiving them judging and therefore it is my choice to create this in my mind as a judgement.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to take thought to the point of definitive analysation of people and perceived judgements, hindering action, seeing all action as useless and inexistent, wanting not to change………

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to visualise, ‘the end’ as streams of light of embossed parts in my mind all coming to the same point. This is a time delay, energy perspective and is not HERE. Because all that is, is HERE as HERE is HERE.

HERE HERE HERE

I call to the dog to come here. I call to my thoughts to come here. I become my thoughts that refuse my call and I teach them thoughts that come here. I become HERE in realisation all I am is HERE.

I am not my thoughts. I am in and as my thougthts. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become my thoughts, not living in and as them.

Which silences them completely as the creation of the uncreation was our ’sin’.

What reference does a sin have on your life?
Well for sure I have suppressed sin and the thought of it as the only way I knew how to get rid of is then was to ignore it. … but this means it affects me in my application, expression for the rest of my life. So I bring it up. I translate my thoughts into oneness and equality.

There is no point to thinking you are doing something devious against yourself by letting yourself flow naturally into self.

I have always distrusted flow. I stand in and as my distrust of flow and I become the flow in self awareness of what I am.

God be gone!!!

Ok..

Let’s get rid of this God complex that is causing me so much pain. It hits me and expects me to fall. Fall no more..

I don’t sympathise with people that judge another’s belief in God because it IS a disease. You don’t loose it by having more useless dogmatic accusations thrown in your face.

I am here.

Some particular phrases my mind uses as way points for the belief system.

–This is not a war against flesh and blood but principalities and powers, spiritual entities and the forces that be.

I forgive myself that I have related my self honesty to that of being deceived by principalities and powers that be in the context of a ‘god follower’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to divert myself from myself, which is impossible by making myself to think that I am following the wrong things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I must follow something, serve something, where as self honesty; I am in and as the something and in and as the creator of the something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create this as a power trip towards myself that I can manipulate my emotions and desires and therefore I am God in my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself and my ‘loyalties as systems’ which I have chosen to serve me on this process in reading of correspondence between two people with differing views on the desteni view.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seperate myself from myself by calling desteni desteni.

I am here.

These are tools, I have provided for myself, in and as myself.

Another thing that comes up is the correlation between spiritual satanism and the apathy created by use of the desteni tools.

Are they one and the same?

Desteni disclaims the use of energy. Does that then mean that they take all of our energy that we disclaim in the name of self honesty?

What am I doing in the name of self honesty?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do things in the name of self honesty, thus justifying me doing something, telling myself that I am infact doing it for myself.

Spiritual Satanism. The worship of Enki, Not as God but as equal, as one aiding us in becoming that which we are capable of.

Does it matter that there is a direct correlation?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress thoughts and emotions on God by saying, ‘I’ve dealt with that’, thereby denying that I haven’t because obviously that is still in the system.

As a reaction in emotion and feelings not as simple thought which can be erased in I DELETE.

Great coffee at this cafe… Much better than the place I work at. I can’t even taste the nuttiness of the soy milk.

My mind has gone blank. I will enjoy this peace for now.

Continue with this in a moment.

All that is around me is one thing saying one thing.

I am self. How can I perceive any different. I as SELF as all as HERE. How did I get here? Through what I have accepted and allowed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear judgement of others that may read this post and divide my thoughts with their views and perspective.

I am stable in myself. I am learning constantly. I am LEARN. I am TAUGHT. I am self created, self made, self sufficient, I require no other because the other is myself as I perceive. This is the truth of honesty only I can explain and teach myself. Not through words another rattles off, rabbits out, parrots from another’s existence.

What’s next…

–One will say in the woods, lo he is here, or lo he is there.
Go not, for the saviour is not in a place to be looked.

That is an improvisation.

Have I been deceived because I looked? Because I searched outside of my learned sphere to increase my perceptaul activity?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resort to self forgiveness as a habit, as in asking Jesus for forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have ever searched for the ’saviour’ when he is right here. I am.

There is nothing to be saved. Just perception from its own conception.

Which is a mind fuck in itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to temporarily lose ‘faith’ in myself because of what belief systems I have turning within myself.

Portishead on the radio speaker. Down right dirty depressing some would say but I from the start have vouched with vehement for negativity, simply because everyone was saying to think positive and it obviously wasn’t working.

Here I am.

What will result a superior form of living that will result in previously perceived slavery?

Why do I fear going to heaven, if I can’t be myself in hell?

What else?

–I have been so free of guilt and fear and self torture more than I have ever been in my life. I can enjoy what I want to enjoy, if I so wish it, without preconceived ideas of how I have thought about the same situation in the past.

I s my apparent freedom of mind enslavement?

This girl is trembling in front of me. Baby in her arms, cappucino by her side, baby book before her.

I surround myself with myself to show myself I am.

It’s easy to mock my god system but as long as it exists, I only puncture and punish it within myself as perceived me. Because I have called it, defined it as me. This is why I might be offended or react emotionally to another’s or my own comments of mockery or outright rudity.

It isn’t as easy and simple as saying one self forgiveness and it all goes away. Consistent practical application required, and if you fall, see yourself in your fall. See where you are in all of this, know that you remain, you cannot be affected. I am.

–Is this just a way of self affirming that I WILL remain after apparent judgement of God, to rebel against him, wanting, thinking that by thinking I remain, I remain?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do myself as self process from the starting point of, fear of judgement from God; therefore i’ll avoid it by saying it doesn’t exist.

But does it?

Where did this knowledge come from?

In my search of me as SELF I was in spiritual satanism belief structures for a time before I found the tools of self honesty for self realisation.

I sound like an evangelical preacher for desteni productions.

Whatever led me here, namedly ME, knew what it was doing? Why do I doubt that I haven’t directed myself, why do I doubt myself?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt my self direction in respect to what knowledge I have of other mind systems as belief structures as religions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to label myself a religion or a belief system.

Why did I come here?

Because, I wanted to know the truth now and then live my life, not later in my life in denial of me searching for it to live it. Sense?

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realise that I have been HERE all along, with my selected systems and belief structures.

I stop for now.

Hi, I don’t know you but I’ll say hi anyway. I perceive my previous knowledge of you has not been introductory in nature. Nevermind, you and me as self here is the only introduction we need, let’s fuck….

Good pickup?

lol

Excuse me. I just saw a  person and related them to the first thing that came to mind. Sex. Why because I’m not masturbating so much right now. What addiction to this feeling have I got and why do I now resort to wanting it worse with another than wanting it with me…

Where is the sense of irony in this world?

Little peculiar gems of innocence we claim are the new shit, old shit, now present shit and future shit because all we do is recycle old structures and belief systems.

I’m going to stand up now and leave this cafe.

I stand.

Habits of Mind and Life

Habits of mind and life we now know as and call ’systems’.

Thinking patterns.

Physical habits.

Tendencies.

What have we allowed.

The more we remove the more of ourselves as SELF we see.

Habits slowly chipping away. No.

Habits. WE stop. BANG!!! EXplosion, suppression. RELEASE.

What went wrong? Guilt?

No. Nothing went wrong and no guilt is to be had.

You have attachments to this habit and thus a definitive breakdown of what this habit details will aid in deriding is effectively and painlessly.

BE PATIENT. But RUN when you are required to RUN.

There are moments when you think, WOW, I need to go NOW. You do, and you do.

Effective practical application requires undoing of the manifestation of the habit.

Do it in reverse.

BE REWIND.

As you see yourself come more and more our of your shell you wonder how you ever got yourself to where you were. IT was all necessary.

Sleeping. To stop myself from deep sleeping I know attempt to lie on my back only. I rarely slept on my back previously. When half asleep I have an urge to roll over.

This also helps in seeing the images of dreams and distinguishing myself in these images and waking up at will. I have far to go it might be defined but I am already HERE.

Images… I thought, how can I live without images in my mind. I think in images. That’s exactly it. I think in images.

I think.

I stand in and as these images. I stand in and as the thinking. I am thought. I am images. I am. I stand in and as my attempt to be ‘alongside’ the images to distinguish them.

I am them. I am my own imposed seperation. I am them. I am all of it.

In and as. I n a n d a s

My starting point is HERE.

SEXual Attract

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am sexually attracting boys, men to me because I have high sexual energy levels at the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as having high sexual levels at the moment.

Why? Because I haven’t been wanking, and not over pictures. Not over images. My last wank was amazing.

My perception of it was amazing.

My mind created in its stead of life a thought and a feeling.

Thinking about it makes my heart pump.

I have never really broken the walls of ‘immoral’ self intimacy down before. Is this freedom? It would seem. But you see, freedom for a moment and not the eternal moment, here.

But that moment was eternal just as this moment is. How can you discriminate?

I can’t, why do I slice it up? Why do I try and understand it more?

No understanding, just breath.

Here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself as using self forgiveness to advertise myself.

I have been doing a rather amazing experience lately. It doesn’t feel so amazing at the time. But knowledge of freedom after death, knowledge I don’t die. Living it. Living my perceived knowledge that I need to breath.

I prepare my mind with distrust of all I perceive and I use this on the breathing itself. A little curious knowledge inside my head tells me that if I just stop breathing, I will experience here.

I am here. How can I experience here, here? Here is here….

Seperation again. We are learning in our ways of self masochism to self judgement that we need to stop punishing ourself.

The balance cannot be thwarted with yet another form of disbalance. Balance as perceived and practically applied cannot find self. What is your starting point for self?

I just had buckwheat pancakes, I am at an organic cafe called go organic in newtown. They have free internet, slow internet. I just upgraded my laptops ram so any fear of slowing in that regard has been dissipated with experiencial action.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I need a faster computer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do things on this little laptop that aren’t what it is made for and thus a reason to tell myself I need a faster laptop or I need to upgrade it.

I put some bluetack in my right ear. Some self masochism for you. It ain’t coming out for now. When I touch it I experience pain. I don’t care.

A couple of ladies with a pram, one of the ladies look at me, I perceive this is the seat they usually sit at. I have it. I have all four padded seats to myself around two little coffee tables. My buckwheat pancakes (a little tasteless but very filling) lay in front of me and the coffee I just finished. There is somewhat motivating music with mellow vocals travelling in the background. A feeling, setting of warmth and security.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel warm and secure in such an environment.

Then I perceive their systems.

Then I remind me I can’t trust my perception.

Then I breath.

Who is here to free me? What is to be done?

Your questions are irrelevant. You must be deluded in your chase of eternal wealth.

Stop wanting.

But I don’t

then why do you tell me you don’t

Because you asked the question

Why did you ask the question?

Because I am the question

Why did I expect a response from the question?

Because that is what comes after a question

Why do you believe what you were told as answers come after questions?

Sadness, regret, I seee in her eyes.

It’s ok I’m not like her. But you are her. You are in and as every piece of tissue she envelopes in a bucket of water and calls herself.

I perceive her as sadness, regret. Why? My  perception.

Why do I perceive her as angry and regretful?

Because I am sad, angry and regretful.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to see my own sadness, anger or regret when I look at others and define them as sadness, anger, or regret not realising it is my perception (my mind) telling me this, and if it is my mind, it is me, if it is me, I am sad, angry and regretful.

What do I wallow now?

Shall I wallow in self pity?

Shall I go and observe others in wallowing in self pity?

Shall I look for recognitions with the pictures in my head and the perceived outside world? If I look for more, I will find more. I perceive the world to be quite large enough to lose myself in my perception of it.

So what… do I change? No. I live, I direct, I use common sense.

Common sense is the only change, I change, myself as this mind perception with. The ability to define as undefinable oneness and equality, self, every time I see something, every time I interact with someone, every time I think something when I am on my own.

I am alone.

Be self like her

What do you mean?

I mean. be self, like her. like, llliiikkkeee

why do you like self?

The decision.

I made a decision.

What are you going on about?

God. What about all the warnings in the bible. You studied bible prophecy with the ones most proficient at it. This is a precursor. Aren´t you being deceived?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am being deceived by making a decision for myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed fear of what god might do to me to fuck up my decision.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to understand that god is a deception.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into thought and the deception of god.

Why is this persisting?

Veno ,, prewritten, God.

God. Where do I begin? What did I first know about God..

That’s right Mum and Dad came back to God after having a period of not going to church. They ate meat then. I remember eating chicken treat bought for me by my aunie. I was always appreciated. My innocence. I believed in people and thought they really aren´t that bad. I trusted people.

That was before I became jaded and cynical.

It´s all about me here. So fucking write then. Ok.. I remember being in the house in balcatta, Mum and Dad owned this house (the only one they have ever owned completely I think). There were four of us. Mum and Dad and me and the three older sisters. My sisters were mean to me sometimes. They thought I was being manipulative with how I acted, I think I was just innocence. So I started thinking that because they are thinking this, there must be substance to it and I started beating myself up inside my head, thinking I was manipulative. Doing things in my head with the purpose of getting what I want.. post mind analysis.. pre mind analysis – there was no need to get what I want.

The bashings did start from an early age. Dad had major anger issues. He bashed Mum regularly. She would go away and come back. Make the family work. Well obviously you guys are fucked up and your desire for children was a mind defined selfish one.

Mum and Dad weren˙t going to church for a while. Dad just did what he wanted, all the time. There was a period of six years or so where he just didn´t work. Mum, the worrier of money, never told Dad the end of it. She caused her own bashings in this regard. When you know someone has a tendency to hit people he can´t deal with and you come in every day that he isn´t working and start blabbing about money. What do you fucking expect… common sense please. People live in dictatorships all around the world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exaggerate my story, whereas to gain sympathy from another, the only person I have been lieing to is myself, exaggerating the story to myself to punish myself to prepare me for what I am to prepare myself for.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I need to punish myself with thoughts, feelings or emotions to prepare myself for the time of the end.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to realise that punishment by thought is self dishonesty and process is life, there is no preparation, process is here, in and as breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to punish myself with thinking, thinking I have done something wrong or I need to prepare my mind for something.

Sunny day… I have always been excessive. Indulgent. Dad hated this in himself, so he bashed me for it. He saw it in me and thought.. ´I have to correct this boys application´. So he resorted to violence he was taught by his father.

I have always been close to my food. I was told I needed it and it tasted good. I thought it tasted good. Chicken, fresh. Mmmmmmmmmmm.

I remember going to church when Mum and Dad started going back and doing those sticker things, with the square stickers which go in place in the book.

Mum always thought I was intelligent. I became intelligent. She boasted of a story to her friends that, once in the hairdressers there was a bottle of something on the shelf I wanted. She said instead of me putting my hand up trying to grab it, I pushed it from behind the shelf and I got it. Then she´d say the girls were never like that. Thus I was favoured by my Mum and shunned by my Dad.

I have always been favoured. The favourite because I was the youngest and the only boy. I remember for my 4th birthday, I think, Mum made me a train cake. Mum was a great cook, she always made lots of yummy things. When they went vegan, her cooking quickly plummeted to real lows.

I just woke up

I just woke up and I am living in the moment. No sleep demon for me..

I was feeling quite tired yesterday so I lay down and had a ‘break’. Not seeing eye to eye on the sleep stuff with desteni. I’m here to sleep 5-6 hours a day… No more. So I jumped in shower and finished with a cold one to give me life in this early morning.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow what I have been taught and built a habit of, in regards to my sleeeping patterns and a need to have sleep because I am tired.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to override everything going on in my head, ‘why is it going on?’, with ‘I’m tired’, I need to sleep, what if I just lay down for a little while.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that this is also the mind trying to keep me under its ‘wraps’; so I stay as it a mind consciousness system which is not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand up, in the moment, and be here.

Till here no further: I am not the mind, I am life for all in and as oneness and equality in and as all I see myself to be in and as all I perceive my world to be around me in and as my human physical body.

What is the right thing?

Not this question and not what it is.