Demon Child

I remember when I was 14. I just changed schools to a different christian school due to bullying and such in the first.

I took particular pride in calling myself Satan or the devil. It made me feel powerful. I had an obsession with drawing graffiti type words of DIE or PAIN.

I remember that teacher was quite dogmatic because whenever I had something that contradicted with my parents religion they would find something for me to read that would ‘prove me wrong’.

I thought it was a bit stupid. Why can’t you just tell me here why I am wrong? I didn’t follow the religion but I was forced to go to church every week. Of which punishment was ensue if I did not. Even at that age I was still smacked around my Dad. I still didn’t stand up to my Dad.

So I used the superioristic Seventh Day Adventist religion beliefs and values to combat the down toned christian faith that they following (I did see their religion as inferior). Funny I didn’t question the religions I just used one against the other, because I am right and if I can’t prove myself right it is because I am not expressing it correctly or in the right manner to the person to understand.

The problem… Seeing the beginning, being told the end from a trusted source… not doing the thinking in between.. making the sex short and sweet.

Sex of thought of course.

You see the thinking in between is not necessary, nor is the argument, nor is the anger, nor is the need for an answer from beginning to end. Curiousity and a mind that loved to play with its limits at school.

They still used the cain at school for a punishment.

It was a slap of the hands with the cain by the prime minister (lol) I mean, principle. I thought this was an outrage when I heard of it.

The cain. Cain and Abel. Punish the mind for being the mind.

What useless things they did to us in an effort to transform us into elite conformists.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at my teacher in year nine because he was a fuckwit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a fuckwit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself  to be angry at my teacher in year nine for not standing up for himself as what he believed for himself, instead of resorting to finding an answer outside of himself, from his church to give to me later.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be reliant on what I believe and people involved with my belief systems to give another my opinion on a subject.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be reliant on knowledge to give an opinion, instead of just expressing me here, and if that is no answer then no answer will be given.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to reaise that I will have to face myself eventually no matter how long I put it off.

I am facing self.

The next year at the same school in year 10 I told someone I wasn’t afraid of death, in honesty. I said it and then I questioned myself and I was honest when I said it. This spread a bit and some big martial arts expert from the next year, paul, confronted me with his friend Jeffery… saying like, ‘you think you are cool saying you aren’t afraid of death… we’ll beat you up.. paul will beat you up.” I stood up to them and didn’t cower but inside I was intimidated.

Of course the beating never came and life went on as per usual.

I realise my school life is much the same to any constriction i am required to be under, like work for example. I HATED the confinement of the classroom. I found little interest in any school subject.. maths I liked but I slowly dribbled off with the rebellious crowd at the back of the room, speaking and making smart comments.

I was so rude to that teacher we had for year ten.. I made so many comments and never got locked up. This same teacher once told me that if I died right now I’d go to hell.

Another teacher, the maths one (Mr merylls?), walked in while I was making a rude comment to my teacher and he told me I was rude and that was disrespectful.. my manipulation on the teacher was successful, I didn’t think it that then but now I realise I cooked this teacher with slow manipulation to the point of being able to be a fuckwit in class.

This class was labelled the most rebellious class.

Leaders were said to come out of this class by those that prayed.

I automatically dismissed me as being in that lime light.

That the devil was working hard in our class.

This was all the year of 1986 when the MCS was upgraded. Most of us were of the year 1986.

I am the devil.. I hid (or faced) my fear of the devil by calling myself the devil.

Sounds like Anu, he hid (or faced) his fear of the physical by calling himself God (the physical).

Are we all just a lesson to Anu?

Am I Jesus?

lol

I did my testimonial at that school when I ‘came to god’ the next year. I finished after year 10, it was all that was required of me.. NO MORE. I went on a rebellion surge and went to a health retreat run by my parents religion people and started to live my words that I thought were me.

I have been conditioned from the beginning. Beaten to think I will be punished for my wrongs even the menial things, just because the person is angry. forced to go to church every week.

If I was raised a buddhist I would have been a buddhist.

But I wasn’t. So this ‘I’ of me, existence I live now, is no accident. I don’t know any other outside of me. I don’t even know myself sometimes. I don’t expect some of my reactions I give or have given.

Thinking back on those school years makes me feel uneasy.

I write things out as they come up but I have to be temperate and patient with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress these school years at thornlie christian college that when I look back on them now, I feel uneasy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise how much my past affects me now, how I have been trapped by myself in time with memories and belief systems.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to thinkof what another would think of me right now and use that perspective to judge my situation,

when, I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realise that whatever scenario I create in my head to judge myself by it is still myself generated by me, enslaving me to the perception of another’s point of view thus keeping me, tied down to my fears of others.

Who is HERE?

ME. Only me. There is no other person giving their perspective of me inside my head.

Only I create this.

I am the fear.
I am the self torment.