My father. I have never really pleased him. This is excruciating. I face self now! I act, I write. Father, what have you done to me? I want attention from all the male figures in my life that I respected. The boss of the cafe in broome, the boss of another in perth, the boss of another in perth, the boss of the one I am now, that man from church in country victoria,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to realise that I have been trying to fix my fathers relationship with me by being ‘good’ and ‘the favoured one that does what he is told’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose myself in acting, doing, now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to realise that only myself can be the motivation for realising self. There is no middle ground.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make up for the wrongs my father, for the wrongs of his father, for the abuse we all endured by our own hands, by our own family by death.

You breathing is you acting in the moment. 1234, 1234, 1234, 1234. You are still directing. Even if thoughts come up. Decipher these thoughts. Ride through the experiences of these thoughts. Let your intentions of knowing self be known. Matthew. You speak to yourself, not another.

Whatever your motivation, come back to breath. all is breath, breath is self, what self has accepted and allowed.

I direct. This is a point I am directing.

Breathing. Sitting. I quenched my hands. I saw anger in my hands quenching.

I direct. Why can’t I just direct? I direct.

I just made video. I direct.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the word direct with, and relate it to, directing a video, vlog, movie or scene.

my video vlog is www.youtube.com/msforcina

I direct. I have other videos on there. Justifications. self justification. I direct.
Please look at my video. tell me I’m doing it right. make me a good boy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make things, videos, text, music to be seen, to know from others that I am doing it correctly and I no longer need to be self anymore.

Experience. Including thoughts, feelings, emotions. Application. Realisation. Application. I direct.. I direct.

Why don’t you believe you? you participated in the mind to write that. I am speaking while I am typing. Can’t you seeeee? I am doing it right? yes? yes? look at me, I can do you? I can be you? look at me, look at me? I can do anything…. looookk at meeeeeeeeee.

Child. Child molester. guilt? squash it… happy you don’t have guilt. shutup……………..

Self realisation is instanteous and can be done by anyone at any time in their process…. yes.. true. as self as what self has accepted and allowed,, but by defining and by … I direct.

Thoughts go blank and I have the opportunity to remember them, try and remember them or just go blank and let it as your mind aiding self in application realise you as self … I direct!

I feed off these words as I type them. I can feel it coming to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed self as me to feed off my own words which are self’s words as what self has accepted and allowed.

I can trust my human body. Observe my human body. Physical.

I want to be the truth…

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be the truth. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in ego of the mind by desiring and feeding off what I think I can attain as truth. Being truth. NOOOOOO. I direct.

BAng.

Ok. I’m going to start a schedule. I direct. I have never been good with keeping to things except for work because at work people expect me to do things and if I’m not there on time, they will be angry at me and I might suffer looks all day long.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be efficient with keeping up with things including work.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to change constantly.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go to work on time so that my bosses will think good of me as opposed to ill, which not getting the ill treatment was enough for me as a good reward and thus I could be comfortable at work.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to work on a treat system and then rob myself of a better ´good´ treat that I might have using up my good credits to get something I enjoy.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to never be the middle, never be mediocre, never be temperate, never be consistent; whereby I have manifested the two extremes and fucked myself over for want of balance. Then I don’t want balance and it is gone again and I am volatile.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become volatile in my chosen experience.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to realise that I choose to direct self, I direct.
I am here. I am breath. I direct self.

I direct.

8am, wake up
write, get back to self, I direct
breathe
8:30, I go to the park and I have a jog, laps of oval with stretching
I hate exercise. but I walk heaps. strenuous exercise.
9:30, get home, eat breaky, raw food, good food, set the amount before you
organic free trade coffee, soy milk, honey.
start, be reasonable.
have a shower
get dressed
do domestics, washing, cleaning, dishes, organisation
If work at 10, work at ten
breathing all the way through. that’s right. you apply self forgiveness when you realise your mind is taking over again. realise it is the mind. you direct you. I direct.
in between now and lunch, write, practical process on the laptop, videos, vlogging, watching others, all this sort.
1pm eat. veges, rice. dont mix fruit. nuts, no wheat, seeds, roots
more process. go to a cafe and drink a coffee. laptop. process. write. direct. observe. you are you. self
6pm. light evening meal. fruit, dry biscuits, spread, practicality
process. speak. entertain housemates with your self. use experience as appication, see experience of housemates as application. stop trying to run away. stand still.
more writing. desteni forum. chat, reading, hitler. lol. to the uninitiated that would sound quite the ..

anyway. bleb.

ok. sleep. when?
2am, move to 3am soon.

without all this sleep I have so much time to write and be frustrated and then direct and then inspiration and then and then and then… you know the cycles we flip. I flip….

gymnastics, sounds like a good boundary burner for me.
look it up.

ok. practical application. changing you as you directing you practically, constantly. learning to do it in every day life to learn and do it in the moment.

Keep it up. even that isn´t definitive and wwe alll know what that means.

Anyone know what goosebumps stand for?