Starting Point

I just watched the interviews on the belief system demon and the starting point demon. Both awakened in me a realisation of my ill starting point for this process. After watching the first video I started in tears but pushed them back automatically. I might learn to cry again, one day.

The links to these two video interviews are here:
Belief System Demon – [url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rz8EL9wuQ7g[/url]
Starting Point Demon – [url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lNQcFPj-zzI[/url]

I am a son. I have a mother. I have a father. I have four dead grandparents: grandma, grandpa, nanna and pop.
I am a brother. I have three sisters.
I am in a family.
I am a friend. I have friends.
I am an enemy. I have enemies.
I am an artist. I have expressed myself in the form of art. I form patterns in things around me. I form faces in things around me. I form eyes in things around me.
I am being watched. I feel I am being watched.
I am a drawer.
I am a writer. I write a lot.
I am a musician. I play musical instruments.
I am self-confident.
I am not self-confident.
I am guilty. I feel I must be doing something to make things right. I think everything I do affects the greater flow of things.
I am innocent. I think nothing I do can affect the greater flow of things.
I am a singer. I have a voice.
I am good looking. I look in the mirror and I see a good looking person.
I am an elitist. I feel I need to be on top of everything.
I am the elitist/chosen. I feel I and only I can make the difference happen.
I am a worker. I work in a job.
I am obsessive compulsive. I overdo things in repetition of the things I do.
I am a smoker. I started smoking to prove that you don’t have to get cancer if you smoke.
I am a catalyst. I want to be the one that makes a difference in the world.
I am a body. I have hands, eyes, face, mouth, tongue, nose, legs, arms, feet, hair, ears.
I am judgemental. I judge people according to my definitions of what they should be.
I am justifying this as I type. I am justifying these words as I type them.
I am a justifier. I have a need to create balance.
I am self justifying.
I am the giver of a remedy. I feel it is my place to give people and myself the opposite of what is being experienced.
I am a good speller. I spell most words correctly.
I am fashionable. I make fashionable outfits from whatever I have at hand. I have a need to present myself accordingly.
I am a prover.
I am a disprover.
I am want, I am need, I am desire, I am created imagination. I am everything. I am nothing.
I am infinite. I am an infinite mind.
I am a see er. I see am a good judge of personality and character.
I am concerned. I am concerned with today’s world situation.
I am a ‘doomsdayer’. I indulge in the fact that the world will end soon.
I am anti-christian. I was raised as one and I denounce it.
I am right.
I am wrong.
I am a hermit.
I am a recluse.
I am unsociable. I don’t get out much.
I am pretentious.
I am definition. I am the creator of definitions.
I am the creator.
I am God.
I am ‘the One’. I have the power.
I am decisive about the position I sit in.
I am aware. I make an effort to observe. I am an observer.
I am perceptive. I perceive others and their actions.
I am rushed.
I am impatient. I am impatient with myself.
I am patient. I am patient with others.
I am a masochist. I am a sadist.
I am suicidal.
I am depressed.
I am insecure.
I am melancholy.
I am frustrated. I am frustrated with writing this.
I am a recluse.
I am self defined.
I am original.
I am a copy.
I am an avoider. I stick away from the norms of society in question.
I am dead. I don’t feel alive.
I am exaggerating. I exaggerate things to prove a point.
I am a law unto myself.
I am polite. I accept other’s remarks when they tell me I am polite.
I am pissed off. This world is fucking nuts.
I am reasoning. I have been reasoning what I shall be doing when I have done typing this.
I am perfectionist. I perfect according to my definition.
I am individual. There is nobody like me.
I am reliable. I am unreliable.
I am reserved. I am outspoken.
I am the speaker at the right moment.
I am sick. I have a cold at present.
I am black. I like the manifestation of this color. I like how it wears me.
I am a band member.
I am shapes.
I am numbers.
I am a reaction.
I am not a reaction. (lol)
I am a pig.
I am a glutton.
I am independent.
I am self contained.

Now I don’t feel anything. I am this dead, silent feeling I want to get rid of yet I want it to linger because I think ‘this is it’, ‘this is “the silence”‘.

Words are so powerful. We speak so much. I speak little and still this is quite a lot.

In my world at present.. currently exists:
Computer, heater, temperature, cool air, catnep, ashtray, lollie/tobacco/smoking tin, toilet role, dirty tissues, empty beer bottle, dirty bowl with a spoon, apple pie,  cream, vase with a burnt out candle in it, used/dirty wine glass, salt grinder, more dirty tissues, napkins with ties, pad, another pad, used glasses, spice muller, spoon, uneven walls, archetraves, doorways, pictures, chairs, notes, blind, windows, glass, light fittings, lights, locks, fridge, washing machine, cabinet, table, sandal wood burner, candle holder, oriental light fitting, box of unpacked stuff, paint, cane case, wine, ornaments, fuzzy animal, vacuum cleaner, dog, dust pan and brush, vases, spindles, light switches, marks on walls, electricity lines, kitchen, utensils, knives, forks, sink, [impatience with self, what is the point of this], floor boards, [rewatching video], nails in floorboards, marks on floorboards, vinyl lino, plants, car, coffee machine, bed, curtain, rugs for curtains, mirrors, shoes, socks, leather jacket, bonds shirts, pens, deodoriser, dog lead, dog, people, lighters, flea treatment,

I’m getting the point. I have defined myself in my world by my surroundings which ‘are so real’ because I can touch, taste and feel them. I need to be one and equal with everything in my world. I need to be aware of them all at once. I am here.

At the start of each blog I will write a few things I am aware of for the day. I made a few general additions to that list in which I realise I need to be more specific.

Matt.