Despair moment

Three posts in one very long night/morning.

BS Demon and SP Demon:

I am a younger brother, I have three older sisters.

My Dad has grey hair, my Mum has coloured hair (but naturally/presently grey), warm italian designed/guatemalan made trench coat, warm fluffy socks I stole from a target, versacci jeans I bought at an opp shop, scarf I found in a bush while walking, davenport underwear I bought from David Jones, pride in what I wear, itchy sores on my lower legs spreading to the rest of my body (thinking fleas)…

Post:

I watch the videos and read somethings on the forum and I get inspired. Then I go through a self forgiveness spurt. Then I apply breathing as well at different intervals. I watch some more, I have a realisation, I get tired, I get exhausted. I become despair.

Despair seems comfortable. Logically without despair I can’t have inspiration. Des pair. In spire ation. Pair is two, spire is a very phallic, one. I’m tired, I’m lost, I’m lonely. This is what is going through my head.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel inspiration when I watch the desteni video logs or read material on the desteni website/forums.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I need to do something after I watch the desteni video logs or read material on the desteni website/forums.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to overdo the process, in that I take it to the extreme of application and I wear myself out.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept the definition of overdo on myself as self.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as ‘wear myself out’.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think ‘this is not possible’.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to thing ‘this is possible’.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to bring myself to the moment where I think I have overdone myself and I give myself the definitions of: I am despair, I am tired, I am loneliness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that despair, tiredness and loneliness are constructs of the mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I am not worthy of this treatment that desteni offers; when infact I am worthy of my own treatment to myself for self application to self honesty to myself.
I forgive myself.

That seems to have gotten rid of a large portion of it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to race ahead of my thoughts and think up new things to forgive myself for while I am forgiving myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I can help myself by torturing myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that my self forgiveness is not complete or not specific enough when I apply self forgiveness.

I delete this thought.

I am here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept myself as tired.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that sleep is a mind consciousness system construct and I only require as much is needed for my body to rejuvenate itself.

I’m not sure about thanking myself. I think it brings feelings of gratitude. Gratitude is comforting and warm. This is creating polarity. I’m very conscious of people reading this. Infact I want them to, I want to be seen and heard as helping myself. I think there is some ego involved in that of which makes me feel I need to write to be read. NO! I write for myself as SELF, HERE.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel gratitude within myself when I thank myself for applying self forgiveness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel warm and comforted as my feeling of gratitude.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as gratitude.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as a need to thank myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to thank myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to find belonging in the desteni group.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think there is nowhere to belong for me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I need to ‘wear a face’ so that I can write to be read on this blog.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel “airy fairy” when I apply self forgiveness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that people are looking at my writing prowess and thus feeding my ego as a writer.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as a writer.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that my process is unique to other peoples’ process, thereby setting me apart from them and/or making me higher than them.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create polarity by making me higher than others by making me different or better than others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that there is better to be had by me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I am well defined in my words.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that there is higher to be had by me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enjoy typing while I am applying self forgiveness.

I am here.

Hanging over the computer. Wanting someone to speak to. There is nobody but myself here alone. Why can’t I be satisfied with that?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see wrong in me being on a computer all night.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel alone.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I need someone to talk to.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want someone to talk to.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself not to realise that I am alone and that I have always been alone.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid this truth, knowing it is true but still avoiding it so that I can ‘have my fix’ when I communicate with someone.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that there is need for truth.

I’m now thinking about work. About how I have noticed a few different people in this different city who I could say were similar or ‘the equivalents’ of people I knew in Perth. One person I work with I was likening him to a boyfriend I had who knew many people, had all contacts at his disposal, self confident, good looking, carries himself well. All that I thought was gone from the previous city is now in the new it would seem. 6:02pm morning shall arrive soon.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look for a sexual partner, either directly or indirectly/subconsciously.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to source sex.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to read people, to think I know what they are thinking.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to care about what people are thinking, in that, this guy at work.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that there is security outside of my self.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to source security to myself, thinking that security is secure.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that security can be found in relationships with people whether sexual or friendships.

I am here.

My head is fluctuating on this point. I want to get a laptop (using my housemate’s at the moment). Now the excitement of getting a laptop overwhelms me. Also, the money I’ll be using to buy the laptop with, I found. I found some money outside the cafe on the ground. I thought ‘providence’, all that energy in wanting more money has finally paid off. I hid it and kept it. I am sure it was dropped by the owner of where I work as he was going upstairs to where he lives. I think it doesn’t matter whether they have it or I have it. It is money. I am wanting money. I get money. If someone offered me a few million would I give up my process? I’m sure I’d end up dead or going back on my word. Pastry plain society doesn’t do it for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get overwhelmed when I think about getting a laptop.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I can be more with a laptop.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I can be more than what I am.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that self can not be more than self, and practice of this is self dishonesty.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exaggerate my words as I type.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that self forgiveness for taking this money is just a self forgiveness away.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fluctuate on this point.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that self forgiveness for taking this money is not just a self forgiveness away.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manifest guilt when I take things.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I am guilty of taking this money and that I need to be punished in some way.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to punish myself for all the guilt I have put on myself in my entire existence.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty for all the wrong that has been done to me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that others are judging me when they read this on my blog.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that they are indeed judging themselves when they judge me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that I am taking money from myself, when I take money from them, they are me/SELF.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I need to go into such profound and intricate definitions of self forgiveness when I apply self forgiveness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place ’such a high price’ on money.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create the polarity existence of money.

Now I have thoughts of my abusive past and how I have blamed myself for it. I think the body needs rest now. I will go and rest a short time.

Matt.