Fire and Courage

I have nowhere else to turn.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to turn away from self trust which compounds thought for the use of a system and fucks me over, thinking I need to not do this anymore.

I am here.

One day at a time.

I forgive myself that I have related a melancholy feeling with thoughts of going to work and the feelings that come with being at work, including: helplessness and discouragement.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to defend my mind in its own chase of itself.

Can you show me the way through?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compound emotions and thoughts in like definition to layers, whereby I need to peel back one, one by one, not certain of what perversion will directly affect me as I peel back each layer.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create confusion in my mind to hamper my efforts of freeing myself from it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making the wrong decision in freeing myself from my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I am being watched and judged by God.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not deal with my God complex.

I let go. I let go. I let go. I let go. I let go. I let go. I let go. I let go. I let go. I let go. I let go. I let go. I let go. I let go. I let go. I let go. I let go. I let go. I let go. I let go. I let go. I let go. I let go. I let go. I let go. I let go. I let go. I let go. I let go. I let go. I let go. I let go. I let go. I let go. I let go. I let go…………….

Here I am.

I am here.

One, two, three, four, One two three four, one two three four, one two three four.

Breath Matthew

Where are you Matthew?

In breath. Do you trust yourself? You ask yourself these questions.

I am self honest.
I am self trust.

I am in as oneness and equality.
I am here in breath.

Experience is choice is none is emotion is here is breath.
Whatever happens I am here in breath…

What emotions I participate I am one with.

If I miss a breath I am one with that missed breath.
No breath is breath.

I can never do anything wrong.

Singing is breath.. I am never doing anything right.

I am here.

This is the only choice there is. Experience in breath. Experience in breath defined or experience in breath undefined.

You are here Matthew.

Everything everyone has and is for me is my particular experience. If I react or stop breathing for something it is me. that thing is me and the reaction is me and I am me. the moment is me. Time is me. I am self. I am self trust. Breath is here.

I am breath.

The world is here. All I perceive is all I perceive.. that is all. All is all. All I perceive. Circles. Mind consciousness is slow circles and then forget and compound. Your mind is here to help in application. I am here to help in application. Welcome to your experience as the mind consciousness system.

I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think there is a problem with me speaking and breathing. I am experience. Problem is solution. I breath.

What we are we have become.

In speaking I hear myself. Like in self forgiveness. Resume breathing. Speak. Resume breathing. Sing. Breath. Sing. Everything as you have accepted and allowed, breathing. Fear is nothing. Fear nothing.

Mastibation and sexual arousal

Yes, this subject.

I realise that I am automatic in my thought structure when I ponder the thought of having sex or being touched or naked guys or even my mind finding anything.. it attracts me to women even, when it is allowed to want to mastibate. It has no respect of self. It is what self has accepted and allowed as myself.

I am alone.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically be in my cock in thought or in my pelvic region whether in my penis or in my anus, thus arousal happens when I imagine touching with another I might think I would be sexually attracted to.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have an erection just when I speak about mastibation and sexual arousal.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach thoughts to hormones to my cock to what I have accepted and allowed as self; thus restricting honest self expression.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mastibate since I was in year 4, that is 9.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop sexual prowess from the age of 9.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to realise and stand up for myself in the moment I decided to press myself against the ground and feel what it is like to release according to mind consciousness system which is infact a cycle and not release.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mastibate over my friends that I found sexually attractive.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look past all that is in the people and just use them as an image in my mind so I can have an erection and ´get off´.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to realise what mastibation was when I discovered it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be distracted from self forgiveness, which is self directing self, while I am applying, mind telling me, you have done enough, lets go; obviously, practically, I haven´t if you be telling me this.
I direct.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of mastibation ever since I discovered it was something that you don´t speak about; when my youngest sister told me, this is something I should keep to myself.
I had no idea what it was. I had no idea why I enjoyed it. I enjoyed it. So I did it. In amongst all that I felt in my family life, this was release for me of joy. I hid and kepy joy to myself, self joy as self deceit in fucking myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy mastibation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use mastibation as a form of release.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to realise that mastibation is a cycle of the mind and without it the mind cannot live.
I live.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use confusion of words that are understandable by common sense to distract me from self forgiveness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use mastibation and the enjoyment of myself in it as a release as to what was happening to me in my family; by my sisters being superioristic and jealous of my attention, my mum with the amount of attention she gave me calling it love, and Dad with the amount of attention he gave me which he bashed me on a regular basis in anger of himself and said that he loves me, through mum telling me , he does love you, you know this don´t you.
Bitch.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at my mum for enduring her punishments from her mind and dad physically and thus damaging us as children for our whole lives.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that now I am taking dad´s side.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest as one emotion, one thought, one feeling, one gender, one gender expression or the other.

Practical common sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, he didn´t know, how was he to know what he was doing?, why are you telling him it was his responsibility?, where is justice here?.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to question self as I know self to be through self trust and self application, using my mind to justify, to define justifications for my younger physical body that just discovered mastibation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel despair or down when I have finished mastibation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty or worthy of punishment when I have finished mastibation.
I forgive myself that I have defined mastibation as being bad.
I forgive myself that I have defined mastibation as being good, ok, it doesn´t matter, this is a part of me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept mastibation as a part of me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach sexual arousal with emotions of joy and self expression with mastibation as an act before, after and during.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am helping anyone but me, alone, when I write, I direct myself to write and speak my self forgivenesses.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a slave to mastibation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to punish or restrict myself in ways in my life that cause me to want to release myself in mastibation; when I don´t realise what a construct is actually doing to me and I decide the experience is me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speed up because I think I am getting somewhere.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to stand up in the moment as breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept programming by others around me, with a regular MCS system definition engine inside of them, listening to what they are saying, paranoid of what they are thinking, wanting to belong with them, be nice to them; thus not standing as me.

I´m seeing dusty thing and what not, third eye stuff waving around in my periphery while I read and concentrate on my typing here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be aroused sexually by pictures in magazines, by half naked men, by muscles, by their crutch, by a single thought.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define homosexuality as bad.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to partake in the White Light Gridline structure which defines homosexuality as alternative or bad or people´s reactions to self or my reaction to self, what I thought was self expression.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to mastibate over porn.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue watching and seeing porn on the internet from the age of 9 onwards.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I need to stop being a homosexual and start being heterosexual.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by the christian church.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take on the guilt of god because I am god and god as such is responsible for everything that we have accepted and allowed within ourselves as an alone being, self.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be misdirected by my mind in my determinative application to change who I was from a homosexual (or a boy defining himself as bad, enjoying pictures and sex of males, and males so much older than him) to a heterosexual by forcing himself to watch straight porn and wank over straight porn even if the cock would not erect.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to realise then in the moment that my treatment as received from my family was infact a major influence (as my own reactions to them) on who I was as a sexual being.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be dependant on mastibation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself hide myself in mastibation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide as a mastibator.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use mastibation and wanker in jokes and foolish comments so as to redefine sexual activity by myself as grotty or grotesque because I joke, or I listen to others joke about that which I hold so dear to me as me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a dependance on my mastibation as a form of self expression that I might not be known by anyone else.

I can remember seeing a guy in a target catalogue when I was 11 or something. I was aroused by him. I wanted to create a sexual desire. I wanted it to manifest. I wanted real contact with another within this thing I called mastibation, which was my only form of self expression apart from eating. So I got a knitted rug and I lay it out on my bunk, I put a smarties packet stuck where the penis should have been (were a real man) and I had a sexual experience with that rug. Then of course, I went into despair and didn´t show it when I exited my room or was required to do something in the house.

That house was a funny house. I have a few memories there. I remember we planted corn in the back. Hannah and Katie had their own granny flat out the back. A significant time at that house was when I was punished and bashed for playing my gameboy too much. I found a great escape in computer games. They kept all that was pain and anguish, all that was facing self, at bay. A friend had come over the night before and he lent me his game, kid ickus. We were all getting gameboy minis at that time. We had a reason to live. I remember getting so excited about getting home from school and getting on the computer, that I just thought about that. A friend might burn me a game and I would look forward to when I could play it.

Then I would fear I would be punished for playing too much. A computer was in my room and moved from my room quite regularly. Why couldn´t my parents see that I didn´t know how to be moderate. No one has taught. I teach myself. Moderate is normality is security is fucking lunacy. I´m glad I can use being moderate as self application, as releasing my suppressed desires and needs and wants and emotions and thoughts and actions and feelings. I thank myself for making the decision for self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be proud of me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I need to prove myself to myself.
This is blatant dishonesty.
I forgive myself that I haven´t allowed myself to realise that because I didn´t get much postitive attention from males as I grew up my ego required that I prove myself to other men and males around me, whether by being unique, different or totally original in my self expression.

I´m going to leave this post here. I have gone off the subject a bit. All is linked and if we follow the minds circles in self forgiveness and paint every emotion and feeling as one thing then we forgive that one thing and the mind is empty. It is gone.

I am here.

A girl I work with, told me, she is left handed too

Speaking with people. Think of that as practice being here as breath as self without undivided attention on breath and counting. You do have to speak when you communicate… this is practical common sense….

Keep application simple, this is practical. The mind plays, you breath, the mind wavers, you breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be affected by music that is doofy by me moving to it and counting in breath in time to it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I am affected by the words on the music doofy, that it provokes thoughts inside, I think I need to define what is said with my thoughts and thus recognise that I am self by defining self… dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I resort to sucking, chewing my thumb when I empty my mind with self forgiveness.

Thumb?

Self forgiveness is practical common sense. Self directing self. I direct.

You are not the authority. You are not a bruise. breathe. every word is self. you or they speaking. every emotion expected to partake is thought is breathhhh. speak clearly, you are words. you are the living word. you are directed words.

I breath.

Where are you Matthew… here. no your not. look at you. look at what? I want something to do. I don’t want to read. You know I don´t like reading. Why are you speaking to yourself agaiN?

What part of you can answer any question here? Fuck you. I don’t need to look back and apply self forgiveness for every word I just said. What are you trying to say? Aren’t you applying? Why are you showing these people who you are? What are you willing to say? You just felt your head go light. It seems you have separated yourself from yourself Matthew. You have always spoken to me, in some form. whether as god, in your head or aloud when you think you are expressing yourself. What are you that you can defy me?

I need not you. Has fight club affected me this much? Did I enjoy that so much that I wanted that scenario? I want what you have. I want your suffering. Why can´t I suffer. Who is protecting me. I have always thought I was protected. the rune algiz ‘resonated’ with me. the three lines into one. why are you telling me this matthew.

Why are you playing for fool again. what do they know. you. self. this word you wave around in front of me. self. what is this petty thing. you say it is me. prove it. you say it is breath. prove it. why are you proving yourself to me matthew?

Why are we stuck here… what enraging hunk of shit put us here.. killing it would do no difference, everything seems self sufficient. why did you split yourself like this matthew? why did you tell yourself you needed a friend that could never leave you? are you insecure?

I have other things to do than speak shit with you.

touchy.

yes. I am a bit.

ready?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be touchy to what I do to myself as self, generating guilt and fear and insecurity.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bury myself deep inside myself and give it a persona in my head as self definition.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to ban myself from being self to punish me for all that I have done.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be distracted by myself, telling me to WAKEUP every time I do something it says.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell people that I may have a mental illness, I just haven’t got it diagnosed.
You know what you are doing.
Do you?
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing bullshit to spew from my head constantly.
I forgive mysefl that i haven’t allowed myself to realise that this self inside is me and I am me, this self inside is self and I am self, this self inside is one and the same with myself which is self in and as oneness and equality.
What about your construct?
What can you do about that?
Will you read?
Oh,, and you think you can pop out of your body as soon as this is all done.
deluded. you deluded me into allusion, you made me undefinable, you cut me up and chopped me down, your extremes have punished me and I have anger to deal with you. you will get your serve
What exactly can I do with you?
Why r you against me?
Why do you think I am against you?
Because you love me.
Eat me. eat me up. Or I will eat you.. I can’t. though i have threatened. and now I’m playing theatrics.
You know it is all menial here. You know, you see the end of things and if you don´t you know, it will come out the other end as something or nothing. both of which aren´t so undesirable. so you lavish yourself with indulgences.
why can´t you hear me?
where am I in accordance to you?
you defining me as lost as not being heard is what creates me lost and silent to your ears.
who is the audience.
who will read this.
they will. the others. the ones you can´t see or face.
the ones you think irrelevant to your existence.
cave in. let them fuck. let them maul you. draw your blade no more. your words stab you.
oh how romantic. lets seize the moment shall we?
why? you still asked a question back so you can either have an answer or rhetorical silence

Queastions

Questions.

Who?
What?
When?
Where?
Why?
How?
Is it?
Is this?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself not realise that I write ‘for’ instead of ‘that I have’, thus showing me a suppression of me as God as what I have accepted and allowed as self as Jesus as thinking I need to say ‘for’ because it is what it is ‘for’ and not what I have.
Where as, have is an easily definable separation. I don’t have anything, I have self.
I do things for me in application as self in and as what I have accepted and allowed.

I find this definition of self forgiveness more apt -

I forgive self for accepting and allowing self to..

Once self is realised, self is self. My associates to me. Though I find some separation in me when I say self instead of myself. I think this is because self as all as one and equal is still foreign to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as self, where as I think I am infact making a fantastic tool better, where self is all and self is myself and I have a connection to the word ‘my’. I have defined mine and mine and my all the time.

It is not mine it is self’s. laughs. It is not self it is self’s. Self, in and as oneness and equality owns self? It owns something separate? It does, because this is self as self has accepted and allowed my self to become.

I need to stop and have a break from all this excruciating self selfness my head says. Well self on this.!.

humour? self?huh? That just doesn’t make any sense, I need something I can grasp I need facts, I need love of in insecurity in and as security as all around me ‘definitely defined’. Self defining self again. Mind defining self again. In and as self.

In and as. If self is in and as oneness and equality in and as self then self can’t be self. However, self is self. There isn’t any room for self to be because self is in and as self and if self is all that exists, where is self? self.

Niftyness. Self is nifty is quick is decisive is definitive is able.

I need to start writing about my history as this body.

What is the earliest memory I can remember?
I have suppressed a bit. My childhood wasn’t pleasant to say the least.
I as self was punished by what self has accepted and allowed self to become as my dad whipping me, hitting me, hitting my mum, hitting my sisters. He never really hit my oldest sister. I don’t think he ever has. He’s had a small go at my youngest sister but not anything much. My middle sister got a whipping once when she ran away from home and at the time I was listening to my mothers bitching and whining and dad´s anger. I´d hide in self as ´yay, it isn´t about me, I´m not getting bashed, it is someone else, whoopee.´ So I wouldn’t really care about what happened. I’d just participate in the anger and frustration and tears and anxiety that surrounded the event, sympathising with my mother and sisters. This one knew what she was doing. Our home was no place to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take my mother’s side when my middle sister ran away, to where she was babysitting.

Katie did tell some stories to the babiesat kid’s mum. The mum put her up for a bit and sympathized with her.

Katie got whipped with a belt. We all, the four of us stood back and watched, unable to do anything, captivated by our fear, and still just watching and crying and hysteric. Dad finished at some point, walked out in his rage, mum crying over Katie, what have you done darling, us in hysterics of sorts, running around with our tails of fire. Mum caused it as much as Dad did, we caused it as much as Dad did. Mum bitching and whining and worrieing and causing guilt for the manifestation of punishment, dad as the God as the father, as the anger, punishing people according to mum´s selection; including herself. She worried about our safety but she must have feared her own. She was bashed on a regular basis.

Dad stopped bashing mum as some point. But didn’t stop me. He was bashed, more than he bashed me I was told. Am I grateful. Thanks.

What are you doing? Matthew.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wonder what I am doing as a third person perspective, Matthew.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself.. not to realise that the mind participation cannot stop unless I direct self in every moment of every breath. I require breathing, every moment. Therefore every moment I direct self. By breathing.

I am self conscious of myself when I am on camera because I see myself to direct myself constantly. I direct self. I move self. In every moment of every breath.

I direct.

My father. I have never really pleased him. This is excruciating. I face self now! I act, I write. Father, what have you done to me? I want attention from all the male figures in my life that I respected. The boss of the cafe in broome, the boss of another in perth, the boss of another in perth, the boss of the one I am now, that man from church in country victoria,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to realise that I have been trying to fix my fathers relationship with me by being ‘good’ and ‘the favoured one that does what he is told’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose myself in acting, doing, now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to realise that only myself can be the motivation for realising self. There is no middle ground.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make up for the wrongs my father, for the wrongs of his father, for the abuse we all endured by our own hands, by our own family by death.

You breathing is you acting in the moment. 1234, 1234, 1234, 1234. You are still directing. Even if thoughts come up. Decipher these thoughts. Ride through the experiences of these thoughts. Let your intentions of knowing self be known. Matthew. You speak to yourself, not another.

Whatever your motivation, come back to breath. all is breath, breath is self, what self has accepted and allowed.

I direct. This is a point I am directing.

Breathing. Sitting. I quenched my hands. I saw anger in my hands quenching.

I direct. Why can’t I just direct? I direct.

I just made video. I direct.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the word direct with, and relate it to, directing a video, vlog, movie or scene.

my video vlog is www.youtube.com/msforcina

I direct. I have other videos on there. Justifications. self justification. I direct.
Please look at my video. tell me I’m doing it right. make me a good boy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make things, videos, text, music to be seen, to know from others that I am doing it correctly and I no longer need to be self anymore.

Experience. Including thoughts, feelings, emotions. Application. Realisation. Application. I direct.. I direct.

Why don’t you believe you? you participated in the mind to write that. I am speaking while I am typing. Can’t you seeeee? I am doing it right? yes? yes? look at me, I can do you? I can be you? look at me, look at me? I can do anything…. looookk at meeeeeeeeee.

Child. Child molester. guilt? squash it… happy you don’t have guilt. shutup……………..

Self realisation is instanteous and can be done by anyone at any time in their process…. yes.. true. as self as what self has accepted and allowed,, but by defining and by … I direct.

Thoughts go blank and I have the opportunity to remember them, try and remember them or just go blank and let it as your mind aiding self in application realise you as self … I direct!

I feed off these words as I type them. I can feel it coming to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed self as me to feed off my own words which are self’s words as what self has accepted and allowed.

I can trust my human body. Observe my human body. Physical.

I want to be the truth…

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be the truth. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in ego of the mind by desiring and feeding off what I think I can attain as truth. Being truth. NOOOOOO. I direct.

BAng.

Ok. I’m going to start a schedule. I direct. I have never been good with keeping to things except for work because at work people expect me to do things and if I’m not there on time, they will be angry at me and I might suffer looks all day long.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be efficient with keeping up with things including work.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to change constantly.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go to work on time so that my bosses will think good of me as opposed to ill, which not getting the ill treatment was enough for me as a good reward and thus I could be comfortable at work.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to work on a treat system and then rob myself of a better ´good´ treat that I might have using up my good credits to get something I enjoy.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to never be the middle, never be mediocre, never be temperate, never be consistent; whereby I have manifested the two extremes and fucked myself over for want of balance. Then I don’t want balance and it is gone again and I am volatile.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become volatile in my chosen experience.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to realise that I choose to direct self, I direct.
I am here. I am breath. I direct self.

I direct.

8am, wake up
write, get back to self, I direct
breathe
8:30, I go to the park and I have a jog, laps of oval with stretching
I hate exercise. but I walk heaps. strenuous exercise.
9:30, get home, eat breaky, raw food, good food, set the amount before you
organic free trade coffee, soy milk, honey.
start, be reasonable.
have a shower
get dressed
do domestics, washing, cleaning, dishes, organisation
If work at 10, work at ten
breathing all the way through. that’s right. you apply self forgiveness when you realise your mind is taking over again. realise it is the mind. you direct you. I direct.
in between now and lunch, write, practical process on the laptop, videos, vlogging, watching others, all this sort.
1pm eat. veges, rice. dont mix fruit. nuts, no wheat, seeds, roots
more process. go to a cafe and drink a coffee. laptop. process. write. direct. observe. you are you. self
6pm. light evening meal. fruit, dry biscuits, spread, practicality
process. speak. entertain housemates with your self. use experience as appication, see experience of housemates as application. stop trying to run away. stand still.
more writing. desteni forum. chat, reading, hitler. lol. to the uninitiated that would sound quite the ..

anyway. bleb.

ok. sleep. when?
2am, move to 3am soon.

without all this sleep I have so much time to write and be frustrated and then direct and then inspiration and then and then and then… you know the cycles we flip. I flip….

gymnastics, sounds like a good boundary burner for me.
look it up.

ok. practical application. changing you as you directing you practically, constantly. learning to do it in every day life to learn and do it in the moment.

Keep it up. even that isn´t definitive and wwe alll know what that means.

Anyone know what goosebumps stand for?

BING!!

I fear typing and expressing self.
I fear being ego while I type.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear expressing fear which is self, what self has accepted and allowed.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am something in my particular expression and thus feeding the ego and feeding the mind which are both self as what we have accepted and allowed.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed self to be a potato chip.
I forgive self that I have accepted and allowed self to find a way as this body, mind and whatever to be superior in all ways.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed self to think, wouldn’t it be cool to be Anu.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become God, to become exactly what we have accepted and allowed, to become levels of superiority and inferiority.

I forgive ..I forgive self for accepting and allowing self to not shutup with meaningless thoughts and emotions and feelings and world and just realise self.
I forgive self that I have accept and allowed self to become this big monstrous meany monster.

Igloomshifucq

I need to let some systems take their place but stand in and as me, observing how I react, observing what comes up within me when I react, observing what the affect on the other person is, observing how I adapt/react to that person the action in question.

Ylaw’s SF on Hello All

Here is some self forgiveness another wrote on a topic I started in the forum. I’m going to type it out and work through them/add to them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do self forgiveness from the starting point of anxiety/fear/judgement.

Wait. I need to be self honest. I need to speak a little. Work was fine. I’m thinking I can’t stop this for now. It feels harder to slow myself down here at home, alone. It seemed like I needed to get away… and do self forgiveness when I was at work. This was the ego being fed by hope and a need of an ultimatum. It fed on this. I was still randomly able to come back to realisation and slow myself down. Then I just wanted to go home and I participated in the ego of the mind to clean up quickly. There was a customer that remarked on my accent. He told me I was a universal child. This was a test for the ‘ego bouncer’ in me.

I held it off at first. But I suppose I let it in when I wanted to clean quickly. I broke a glass being stupid. A nice one of which there were only two. I told George, he was ok about it. We only spoke earlier about how nice these glasses were.

I want to get some cake.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that by me wanting cake I am actually being there, I am actually feeding the ego with controversy that I am not to be here but I should be there getting cake to define me as a cake eater that the cake may define me as digested by me telling me that I eat cake.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that this is hopeless and I need to take a break.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give myself no choice.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to listen to my mind and the systems as my mind and the ego of the mind, defining me as this human body which I have defined with the mind as good looking and sexy and fashionable and smart and gorgeous.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do self forgiveness from the starting point of anxiety/fear/judgement.
I forgive myself that I haven´t allowed myself to realise that by applying self forgiveness from the starting point of anxiety/fear/judgement I am actually feeding this construct and not releasing it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that I have applied self forgivenesses as starting from judging my world around me; which includes people, places, things, thoughts, emotions, energy, feelings.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear slowing down, to fear that I will get bored of slowing down – therefore I won’t want to do it anymore.
i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge this feeling as the right feeling and slowing down as the way to get this right feeling.

I am here. I slow down.

Slow down fucker. Eating cake causes my nose to block up. I do have a cold, so I am extra susceptible to nose blockage but it is just something I am noting. I’m going through all the outlets. I am seeing two circles to my far left and to my far right in my peripheral vision. I feel my temples tensed. It feels and looks like a slave crown. A helmet. There is nothing to feel. I´m going to lie down for a little while. I’ll set my alarm to 2 hours.

Scrap that. No sleep. The mind is fucking me over. Sympathy? No sympathy or remorse, no care.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, oh there it is, grab it, and thus by exerting my mind as the ego, I attempt to grab but knowing that I can’t ‘grab it’ if I think I can and want to.

I slept.

Here is some snippets from the desteni forum.

“For instance, specifically self judgement will manifest in your thighs, your stomach, your upper arms and then your calves point and also your bum points.
In other words, you will literally start expanding inside yourself because of your self judgement to other which is actually you judging yourself.”

I have felt in the past I could not be honest with myself. I could not express myself honestly as to what I really thought because of people around me.
Then when I got alone, my self expression was somewhat limited to eating, depression, and guilt. Then I thought that this was me and I can’t be me in front of others. So I kept on making up who I was as I went along.

I forgive myself that I haven˙t allowed myself to realise that sometimes it is best just to STOP and BREATH.
I forgive myself that I have accepting and allowed myself to create an intellect and a well thought mind, so I can be noticed as myself, so I can get to the top of the hill and laugh at everyone, telling them how fucked they are; like that poem I wrote about getting your dream and I wrote, ‘you’re all fucked’ at the end of the apex; of which I wanted to read aloud when I got my big award.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to listen to my mind when it tells me I need to stop this and do something else, like have a cigarette.
I stand up.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go in fear and judgement whenever I experience a massive reaction that I believe I cannot contain.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to big reactions with more reactions, continueing the cycle and feeding the ego.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I need to be specific to location, people, thought, emotion, feeling as to my self forgivenesses working.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I can’t apply I am tired.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to my falling in my path/process (my mind’s perception of me falling in my path/process) by reacting with more participation in my mind, more energy stability/instability; like I have done something bad and I need to justify myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I need to justify myself to myself as to not feel guilt which is yet another reaction, or not get punished, which is fear of getting hurt, which is another reaction; replying reaction to reaction creating the endless cycle of participation of the mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my mind as feelings and emotions and reactions.

What is my starting point?

Anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe anger exists.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to say now that anger does not exist and that I need to tell myself, it is a mind definition which I have accepted and allowed as self.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I need to define everything definitively.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realise that this is the mind as self, defining the mind as self, defining the mind as self, defining the mind as self etc.
I forgive myself that I have acceptedand allowed myself to be distracted by my sitting position and the apparent comfort felt or not felt by what position I sit in as to feel better to write on this laptop for application, better application, better need, better want..
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to anger as what I am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny that anger is not me and not realise that I am anger.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realise I am everything, I am alone, I am nothing as to what I define myself to be, I fear existing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear existing in the three dimensional world as a polarity manifestation as systems and structural resonance; thus manifesting my experience so that I can realise self.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in anger.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I have not been angry at dad for existing as his reaction to me and his world.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at dad for existing as his reaction to me and his world.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at mum for existing as her reaction to me and this world.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in anger.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my self to hide from myself when I realise what I am thinking is not myself and then think, oh it’s gone now, I got rid of it, I don’t have to apply self forgiveness anymore.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise the mindfuck I participate in when I tell myself I don’t need to use common sense, I don’t need to apply self forgiveness and that this process in my experience of life here on this planet as self as all as one and equal with all that I have accepted and allowed is my experience which is me applying myself to me as self; so fucking use common sense and survive in this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I need to survive in this world.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realise that common sense is application, experience is application, living is application; it is all self including application.
LOOK AT ME!!! I’M APPLYING EVERYBODY… SO ARE FUCKING THEY, LUNATIC, THEY ARE YOU, YOU ARE THEM, THEY ARE SELF, YOU ARE SELF, YOU ARE ALONE, THEY ARE EXPERIENCING THEMSELVES AS WHAT THEY HAVE ACCEPTED AND ALLOWED, THIS IS APPLICATION. THEY ARE APPLYING THEMSELVES. YOU ARE APPLYING YOURSELF JUST BY FUCKING LIVING. AAAAAAAARRRRGGGGG. *cough* *chuckle*

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others as not applying themselves when I am applying myself and look at me I am realising self.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to overlook while racing in my mind that they as them as who they are as who they think they are as what they have accepted and allowed themselves to be as self are in process of applying themselves whether they know it by a mind definition or not.

CUNT.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to react with/in/as anger; indirect or direct; with/in/as indirect action or direct action; with/in/as direct thought or indirect thought; with/in/as subconscious thought directed or subconscious thought indirected; with/in/as unconscious thought directed or unconscious indirected.

How definitive can I be? How much have I defined myself by my definitiveness? Why is it important to be definitive? Specific. The meaning of this word sends me up the wall with thought thinking, was I specific enough, can I be more specific, should I be more specific, how shall I have my specific today? as definition? as I need to post this on desteni to get some answers FROM SELF, I AM SELF, WANKER. But they are self too and you are alone as them. They are directly (as it would seem, as it is defined) applying themselves to self for self realisation as self as me here typing on this laptop, thinking what shall I do next…

Oooh. look at my fancy definition. I just posted this on the forum. Look at me ridiculing myself. Look at me seeing myself turn my ridicule into a compliment. Look at me being self in and as this mind.

Sharing is caring is helping is needing is wanting is showing is looking is self.

I’m going into the mind trips I went into when I indulge in NESH AW MAW. All is all in and as all. I am alone and am all one. I’m thinking, no self forgiveness is not necessary. BREATH FUCKER. JUST FUCKING BREATH. AND SHUT THAT HEAD UP. WAIT I HAVE TO RELEASE MY MANIFESTATIONS, THIS MAKES IT SO MUCH EASIER JUST TO BREATH AND BE ONE THING BE ALONE BE SELF.

RELEASE THEN FUCKER.

I’m going to go buy some things to help me with process, like a microphone and a… other things and.. MORE BULL

Break at work

I realise how much my ego, our ego, self’s accepted and allowed ego as the mind is apparent in everything. I have been squashing and self forgiving things as I go through today. I am expressing myself in self honesty, I have realised how I can live self honestly. I have realised that it is possible. I’ve found the switch. FUCK. lol. and teary eyes.

This is what I have accepted and allowed. Polarity. Ego feeding on energy that thinks it needs energy to survive and you can’t have fluctuation of energy without polarity and what creates polarity? Thoughts, feelings, emotions.

I’m not even hungry to eat for the sake of eating like I normally do. I don’t want a cigarette I just want to type.

I felt something in my lower leg muscles when I was expressing to a person. I will look up the lower leg/calf muscle and see what comes up for stuctural resonance.

I need to realise the importance of breathing. I need to realise more of myself to release suppressions and emotions and thoughts and feelings and fucking anger, so I can have realisation why and how I should be clear in the mind and know as self as the living word as breath what it means to apply and live.

I live.
I am here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that people/workmates/bosses/owners looking at me are telling me or condescending me in some way that I need to get back to work from my break.

I am here. I am not noticed. I am not fear of being noticed.

SHUTUP. Common sense remember. These things keep on coming up. I have to deal with the source and not just kill the spurs coming from the source. I want to kill myself as I have defined myself as the ego as the mind. I kill. I destroy. I be. I am. I am the living word. I am breath.

I thank myself for applying myself. I am self and all is self, everyone is me… dammit EVERYONE IS ME!!!!!! There is no individuality, there is no personality, there is no character and there is no one different from me. This is ego of the mind eating and chewing, this is seperation of myself from myself to define who I am by what I define everything in my world to be. Whether it be a candle, a plate with food on it, a fresh mint tea, a mini laptop, a table, another table, a chair, more chairs, plants, people talking, me talking and writing,

I am here.
I am here.
I am here.

I thank myself.